I’m depressed.  I think I would rather be just sad though in truth I am probably more than that.  For those that know me though this is anonymous, don’t worry, I not suicidal…just writing out my feelings…attempting to blog my way out of this emotional state I am in.

I feel a bleak heaviness deep inside of me, weighing me down and making it hard to function in normal daily activities.  I want to move past what I am feeling toward an emotional place of wholeness where I can breathe again but I am not sure how to do that.

I feel like for years now I have been trying to balance on an emotional log that is floating on top of water.  Most of the time I have done OK.  When I kept having to deal with the behaviors of my dysfunctional older daughter, I would fall off that log into the water but I kept climbing back on.  I was always determined to keep finding my balance again and though sometimes it took time, I always did.

Since learning about the behavior that my younger daughter is engaging in, I have found myself unable to stop thinking about her and I am powerless to change that choice she is making right now.  My mind is stuck in an infinite loop thought process and I seem to have lost the ability to climb out of the water and find any stability on my emotional log.  The best I can do is sit on the log and stare blankly at the water.  I halfheartedly try to stand up on the log again but keep losing my balance and find myself back down into a wet, weary state.

Of course, I know intellectually that life is always worth trying again.  I told my son yesterday that I refused to give up hope for him when he talked about his sleep issues being something he would have to live with for a lifetime.  I must keep fighting to stay positive.  I should go read my blog from last week where for that moment I could see that life was about both the good and the bad.  I can’t remember right now how to get back to that viewpoint but I have to find a way.