In the past few months, I have often heard, “If you love your elderly relative, don’t hug them”.  I took that to heart with my husband’s grandmother, not even visiting her from late April until last week.  I knew I would feel terrible if I inadvertently passed on COVID to her.  At 104, she is not likely to survive a bout with the virus.  To protect her, I just talked on the phone.

I have started writing letters to her and to my husband’s parents as a virtual way to connect.  I keep it short and always add a picture that relates to whatever is going on at the moment.  We took some of the pandemic down time in late March and April to paint some of the kids’ bedrooms that had been rather neglected since they moved out.  They all needed a good coat of paint and while we were at it, we changed the look of all of them.  I put all of that into the letters so that my grandmother could read about it just like we used to talk over coffee.

I ended up having to go out last week across town to be with my mother-in-law while my father-in-law had a heart procedure.  On the way back, I stopped in to see my grandmother.  I let her know ahead of time that I would not touch or hug her just to be safe.  That was hard.  I always hug her and give her a kiss on her cheek when I come and when I leave.  It’s a connection that I think is important to both of us and it’s hard to forgo that, but I want to keep her safe.

I tried to wear a mask while with her but found it difficult.  She insisted on making a cup of coffee for me, just like pre-pandemic times, and so I would take a sip then put the mask back up.  Then the real problem was apparent.  Gradually over the last couple of years, her hearing has become bad.  She has a hearing aid that helps.  She has not had trouble hearing me when we would have our visits but I realized the other day that she must in some way be reading my lips along with hearing me speak because with the mask on, she was not able to understand me.  Finally, I just pulled my mask down to talk.

I could tell she was lonely, and I have felt conflicted.  She is going to be 105 in just a few days.  Is it more loving to stay away totally, visit but wear a mask with her or forget the mask and just visit with her because she may not make it to next year when the pandemic is likely to ease?  I am leaning towards visiting anyway, wearing a mask but pulling it off when talking.  I know that she does not want me to have a mask on when visiting; she just wants things to be like they used to be.

I am seeing other effects of the pandemic on the elderly.  The grandmother’s first cousin is 95 and was just sent back to her assisted living facility yesterday from the hospital.  I had a number of conversations with the nursing staff and social worker at the hospital because I am one of the contact numbers for her.  I was told that this cousin has not been eating well for the past months; the labs show that.  The facility would have closed down its dining hall and been bringing food to the individual assisted living apartments.  Since the cousin lives alone, she would have no interaction with anyone.  No wonder she has not been interested in eating.  A nurse there told me that they have been seeing the same kind of issues with elderly patients; they seem to be related to isolation.

This past week in the hospital would have been the most interaction my cousin has had with anyone for months.  Fortunately, she was discharged to the care center within the assisted living facility, not her apartment so that she will have supervision plus interaction while she continues to recover from pneumonia.

My 96-year-old aunt has had some trouble this week as well and I have been called about that as I am her guardian.  The care facility has worked hard to keep her and other residents safe and so far, my aunt is COVID free.  She also has not been eating well recently though and is being checked for pneumonia.  I just wonder if being confined to her room for pandemic safety has taken a toll.  But what else can these facilities do?  COVID can spread like wildfire through the care facilities and so I understand why the lock down.  It’s difficult.  We are all trying to get through this world environment as safely as possible.

Lastly, not pandemic related but as alluded to above, my husband’s dad had 3 heart procedures this week. First a valve replacement and then a pacemaker.  He felt great when discharged from the hospital.  In fact, he felt so great that the next morning he worked on the sprinkler.  In doing so, he detached the leads on the pacemaker and fortunately called his son who insisted he call an ambulance.  His heart had to be restarted twice while in the ambulance so that was a close call.  The moral of that story is that if you are 86 and just had heart surgery, don’t be out in the yard the next morning working on the sprinkler.

It’s been quite the medical week for our elderly relatives.  Trying to support them all but also trying to help them feel less isolated as we try to safely navigate social distancing and COVID safety.

Stay well everybody.  Give virtual hugs when you are unable to in person.