At the moment, I am feeling like the picture to the left with lightning crackling down to the ground from dark, rain filled clouds. I must be sending off electric charges of irritation as my husband took one look at my face a little while ago and gave me a hug. I’m trying to get to a place in my spirit where I feel peace in the midst of the storm like the picture at the top of this post. Writing my thoughts down in an anonymous blog post helps me sort through my feelings so I am hoping to come through the process now and find sunnier skies.

I started the week with a heavy heart for what my daughter would face. I know little about the legal system and so thought the date on her booking information was a Tuesday arraignment date. Monday afternoon and evening I kept thinking about her and wondering how she was feeling. For those who have read the last few blogs, I know that she has been booked through a contact that knows her. I have been waiting for my daughter to tell me of the charges of her own accord, however so far she has kept the information to herself.

By Tuesday morning, I was wild with grief, thinking that perhaps she had spent her last night in freedom. Although I normally blog on the weekend, I started to write down some feelings. This is what I wrote.

“Yesterday I kept thinking about her and wondering if she was savoring what could be her last day of freedom. Was the sky bluer? Were the colors outside brighter? Was the air sweeter? What did she think of when she lay down to go to sleep? Did she think this could be her last night without bars?”

I found out later that day that the actual arraignment date would be several weeks in the future so I calmed down somewhat for the remainder of the day. I remained in a rather discomfited state through the rest of the week though and gradually became more and more angry with her.

I think I am irritated with my daughter because all of her communication with me is all innocuous about what is going on with her. I want to hear her share with me honestly about the charges. I want her to tell me how she feels and what she is thinking. What I get is just extremely general comments from her that tell me nothing about what she thinks or feels. It makes me crazy.

I have asked myself why I cried Tuesday morning. Why be wild with grief when she completely keeps me in the dark? Even in this awful time of her facing felony charges, I find myself once again desperately wanting her to connect with me emotionally but also once again finding an emotional barred door. If I’m really honest, I’m filled with raging anger because I am hurt to be left outside the door in the cold. Again.

That is the crux of the matter I guess. It’s who I am. I am her mom and I will keep caring though it hurts to care.