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My daughter is a Sociopath. I have been thinking about that word a lot lately, as if “sociopath” is a math problem that if I just concentrate long enough on, I can solve.

What does “sociopath” even mean? What does the label mean in terms of my daughter’s future and the future of our family? How am I supposed to feel about this, or better yet live my life as the parent of a sociopath? My eating has been a bit dysfunctional lately. Mental note…junk food will not solve this problem. I need to process this understanding in a healthier way.

It is only in this past year that I have accepted the antisocial personality disorder diagnosis that my daughter’s psychiatrist gave her twelve years ago when my daughter turned eighteen. She was only diagnosed at this age (instead of younger) because the DSM-5 which is the “handbook” for mental disorders, will not allow that diagnosis for anyone under the age of eighteen.

DSM-5

I have done a lot of research on the subject of sociopathy in my effort to get to a place of emotional peace about my daughter. Here is what I have learned…

The DSM-5 stands for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition and was published in 2013. Listed below are the behaviors for antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), also known as sociopathy. I constantly compare what I have read to memories of my daughter’s behavior. In this blog, I have written notes about my daughter under each behavior.

  • A pattern of disregarding and violating the rights of others that begins by age 15

Note: My daughter stole as a pattern of behavior long before age 15. We know she was stealing from the family allowance envelopes located in our kitchen by Kindergarten or 1st grade and was likely stealing small things at a preschool age. As the middle of five kids in our family, she was able to cruise under the radar for a while. Her thefts expanded outside our family as she grew older, however as long as she lived at home, she also continued stealing within our family. The problem is that I was never able to catch her in the act.

Once, when she was in her early teens, I wrote the identifying detail on a $5 bill and staged it in my purse to catch her. Sure enough, the bill disappeared but when I searched her room, I never found it. That was a waste of a $5 bill; Sherlock Holmes I was not. To this day, I don’t know the true extent of her actions. While she lived at home, I would guess I uncovered less than half of the thefts she actually carried out.

  • Three or more of the following behaviors:
    • Failure to follow social norms or laws

Note: My daughter epitomizes this behavior; her behaviors consisted of stealing from family first, then neighbors by her tween years, then from families outside the neighborhood while babysitting, then thefts from purses at church in early teens, then theft at her first “real” job at seventeen, after we let her get one.

I discovered that job theft and told her she could confess to the store manager, or I would bring in the police. She chose the first option, and the manager fired her after telling her she was honest for confessing (underscore with irony here).

  • Deceitfulness, including lying, using aliases, or conning others

Note: By 3rd grade there were so many instances of repeated lies that I had to stop giving her sentences to write as punishment, due to the sheer volume she “earned”. There were countless instances of lies after age eight. We had a dark joke within our family that if she said the sky was blue, we needed to check outside first before agreeing with her.

The cons started at least in her teens, interspersed with the lying. This recent prison sentence is a result of a many months-long con interlaced with theft and fraud. She is so believable with her lying that people just believe her scams.

Even in these past few years, her Dad and I were taken in by the stories she told us about “how well” she was doing life…she got promoted at work to district manager, etc. We wanted to believe and were taken in. Again. It turned out she didn’t even have a job during that time period.

  • Impulsivity or lack of planning

Note: She has been impulsive all her life, without regard for the future consequences…steal the phone (she stole many), the money, the clothes, the electronics…anything that caught her eye…without any regard for what would happen if caught.

  • Irritability and aggression, sometimes leading to physical fights or assaults

Note: Although to my knowledge she hasn’t physically assaulted anyone, she has psychologically caused enormous trauma to her victims, from which they may never completely heal. In my mind, emotional harm is just as despicable as physical assault.

She had a mental health evaluation a few months ago just before sentencing and was apparently labeled as a “moderate” risk for violence. As I have been instrumental in making sure the sentencing judges understand the full extent of my daughter’s actions over the past 17 years, I wonder if the “moderate risk” violence includes me as a possible target. I do wonder if she blames me from where she sits right now in prison because I talked with the “pre-sentencing” staff before this most recent judge handed down the sentence after her guilty plea. I was extremely direct with that staff person. I meant every word when I said that society would only be safe from her as long as she was in prison. My daughter would have been given a copy of the pre-sentencing report. I am sure my daughter didn’t like my comments when she read the report. It needed to be said though. Who else knows and can speak to my daughter’s behavioral history?

  • Disregarding their own or others’ safety

Note: I am unsure whether this refers primarily to physical danger which would not really apply to my daughter. If this diagnostic applies also to recklessly exposing herself and others to legal danger, then she did do this. She put others in unwitting danger of being considered an accomplice to her actions.

  • Problems with drug or alcohol use

Note: With everything I have read, 75% of sociopaths abuse alcohol or drugs or both. My daughter seems to be an exception. Her drug seems to be the high she gets from her lying and stealing.

  • Lack of remorse or guilt

Note: I looked for this as my daughter was growing up, however I never saw remorse in her. I never understood why I could never see remorse in her.

A Sociopath’s Memior

I just finished reading Patric Gagne’s Sociopath – A Memior and understand better now that empathy, remorse and guilt are emotions that really are lacking in a sociopath and thus also lacking in my daughter. The lack is inborn and like someone who is born without hearing, the lack is part of the makeup of the sociopath and so strictly speaking, not their fault.

Still, actions are a choice. With or without remorse or guilt, the decision to break the law is a choice. The choice to hurt others for financial gain or emotional gain is a choice. Unlike my daughter, Patric Gagne has chosen and is continuing to choose a life in which she is helping herself and others live their best selves within the bounds of society and the law. This is why Patric Gagne is a best-selling author, and my daughter is in prison.

This blog has run long and I still have more to say. I will put out “Part 2” next time.