In my outward appearance and behavior at work, I believe I look even tempered, though my coworkers would likely say that I am somewhat quiet. They would be correct; I come to focus on my work and every minute spent talking is a minute wasted that could have been getting something done. I talk just enough to look reasonably social and I make sure I sometimes join the daily coffee runs to the coffee shop that is across from the building where I work. Otherwise, I prefer concentrating on my accounting work in silence; I have never been one that can talk and work at the same time. An added benefit to this intense focus is that there is no room for other, darker thoughts of my personal life.

When I leave work though, the darker thoughts come back. I listen to audio books often as I drive, as it once again keeps my thoughts at bay. I know I am just running from facing those thoughts though, so maybe writing this blog (while drinking coffee in a Starbucks) will help me sort my thoughts. The great thing about writing is that I can be yelling (through the written word) inside this coffee bar, but no one hears me.

My husband and I got some terrible news about a week ago; not the health kind of bad news but a financial blow that has left me reeling. We just found out that we have a huge capital gains tax payment from the sale of our business. Because we started the business using money from our retirement account, all of these 13 years that we ran the business, we thought the entire sale price would go back into the retirement account as a rollover. Last Fall, we set aside an amount to pay the normal business taxes and transferred everything back into our retirement accounts, not to be touched again until we are age 70. I thought that the sale price money would be taxed then, after we started withdrawing.

If only the company that “held” the retirement funds that ran our business had said something about capital gains. They just said to transfer the funds after all bills and taxes were paid, which I took to mean normal taxes. If only our long-time CPA had said that capital gains were in addition to normal taxes. But no. Now I have found out we owe the IRS an amount of money equal to about two and a half years of wages at my current university job. How about I just work for free? Heavy sarcasm there.

I have already struggled mightily with the fact that though I do like my university job and my coworkers, my salary is equal to what my younger sister gets in retirement pay…and will get for the rest of her life. She worked hard for the same company for 29 years and I remind myself that she deserves it. I think the world of my sister and try not to begrudge her retirement, but I so wish I could rest too. I will work for five and a half more years and then will get a tiny pension… that will be so tiny as to be laughable except that it will at least be mine.

Back to the tax problem; the money that could have been used to pay the tax debt is now locked up in the retirement accounts. We will find out what can be done. Can we open back up the retirement funds, take out the capital gains tax and then pay it? I doubt that we will be able to do that without penalty. If we hire a lawyer, that could cost thousands more, which even further reduces what was supposed to be our retirement nest egg.

My husband is being calm. He pragmatically is suggesting we just deal with it by talking to the IRS about a five year payment plan. Oh great. We did that already. We spent twelve years paying off my older daughter’s residential treatment costs. The last five years were especially focused as we decided to pay that off as well as the house. Every penny that we could spare went to paying down that debt. About a year and a half ago, we became debt free.

For so many years it felt like a financial ball and chain wrapping me with a grip that felt like I was choking. To be debt free felt like “heaven on earth”. Now, to go back into what I call “Financial Jail” and have the jail door close on me for another 5 years, feels like betrayal. I thought I was free. I was never again going to live under the claustrophobic burden of debt. I’m screaming inside that it just “isn’t fair” and I want to rip someone’s face off. My husband is the closest face to rip off. I alternate between wanting to go after him and knowing intellectually that this isn’t his fault. I handled everything with Guidant, the company that managed our retirement plan while we had the business. My husband worked with our CPA and set a hefty amount aside for expected taxes. Neither Guidant nor our CPA are liable for the fact that they clearly thought we knew about capital gains.

Back to the title of the blog. I would rather be angry at someone or something because it feels safer than being afraid of insecure finances. I’m terrified of being poverty stricken in the future, of being a burden on one of my kids in my elderly years. I want to be active and independent until the day I die. The worry that I might not have enough to live on in the future is a nightmare in the back of my brain that runs on a constant loop. If I can just see that the future will be safe, I can relax.

I’m fully aware that part of faith is trusting when I am unable to see. I’m really terrible at faith right now. So many challenges in my life have occurred when I wasn’t looking, wasn’t planning, wasn’t expecting. I’m afraid to stop peering into the future now. If I can only see calm water ahead, I can stop worrying.

OK, I won’t rip my husband’s face off. I will eat chocolate instead.