Penguin family clip art, animal illustration. Free public domain CC0

I have thought about writing this blog for a while and now want to set my thoughts down. I am a Christian mom of five young-adult kids…maybe not so young-adult anymore as the youngest just turned 26.

Last Fall, my second son “came out” as a trans female and has asked the family to use she/her pronouns and use a new name. I had for the past year wondered if this person was eventually going to do this due to growing hair out and fingernails longer. I have discovered though that in my wildest dreams, thinking it might be so is quite different from the reality of working through a dramatic change. It is much harder to actually work through changing my brain to use the new name and pronouns than I would have thought. It’s hard to retrain those neural pathways.

For the first 31 years, when I thought I knew my son (though I was wrong), I knew him to be kind, thoughtful, extremely intelligent and introverted (like me). He was the kind of person I would like and want as a friend even if he were not my child. I honestly do not ever remember a time when he spoke unkindly either to me or to anyone else. He knew his own mind and was NEVER swayed by peer pressure. He walked, talked and learned the alphabet when he was ready and not one minute before that. He was always his own person.

I never remember a time when he ever created drama to garner attention for himself. My husband’s 107-year-old grandmother has referred to him as “perfect”. Of course, no one is perfect, but I know what she meant. He simply has always been the kind of person that is genuine; I have always loved spending time with him.

He has for years now come over every week for dinner, usually when my granddaughter spends the night. In fact, he comes over on purpose so that he can spend time with her. That’s who he is.

In the months leading up to the gender announcement, I had time to think about what might be ahead. I absolutely knew that if this was going to be a trans sexual announcement, that belief would come from a core of self, deep within the soul. It would not be for drama or attention or to cause problems but because of a genuine belief that would come from within. That is why when the announcement finally came, I believed it.

I’m going to switch pronouns now. When my trans daughter announced the gender change and gave background as to what led up to the belief that she was female at her core, I found out two things that pulled at my heart. The first was that she had carried this knowledge for over ten years. At first she was going to “carry the knowledge to her grave” as she did not see a way to move forward with any action. What a long time to carry that knowledge. Prior to that last year, it never even remotely occurred to me that she could be unhappy with her gender…not on my radar. There is nothing that I ever saw during the growing up years that would have led me to think that there was unhappiness there. I just always thought that she was quiet like me and liked her space.

The second thing that pulled at my heart was her saying that her biggest fear was that we would reject her, since we are Christians. That horrified me. I can’t imagine not wanting her in my life; I would die first. When I heard that, I wanted to do everything possible to reassure her of our love and offer support.

I am not saying that I completely understand gender transition or how it happens that one can feel that one is in the wrong body from a gender perspective. I am saying though that the person that I loved and respected so much is still the same inside whether male or female. I will do everything I can in the years to come to show acceptance of her as my daughter. I am confident that God sees her heart regardless of what name she is called and how long her hair is. I adored my son; I will adore my daughter for the remainder of my life.

I will keep trying until I stop messing up the pronouns. When I accidentally say the wrong pronoun, I see pain on her face which breaks my heart and then I try harder.

Much of current culture will embrace her. Some of the Christian community will not. For myself…I choose love, I choose acceptance and I choose relationship.