Happy Mothers Day Mother And Daughter, clipartmax.com, free download

As I write this blog, my younger daughter, now 26, has withheld all contact from me for 13 months. It was December, a little over a year ago, that we were last in contact; usually by text, but it was still contact. I thought we were doing well.

That Fall a year ago, we texted about the holidays. She told me she was going to be out of town with her boyfriend. I took that to mean that she would not be around for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then suddenly, she stopped contact.

I didn’t think anything of it at first as she can be in and out of communication. It was not unusual to go weeks without a text, even months. It wasn’t unusual for me to text and not hear anything back. Once in a while we talked by phone but that was rare. Texting is how we communicated.

I have known for years that my daughter has had an issue with family get-togethers. As long as my oldest son lived in town, she would show up, even if briefly. After my oldest son moved away though, it was as if she felt she didn’t need or want to be part of the family dynamic anymore. She would come by once in a while to raid the refrigerator and check her mail and I was glad of that. We used to call it “sightings” of her when we found remnants in the trash of something she had eaten. At least we knew she was around and we “kind of” had contact with her even though we often were at work when she came by.

As the years went by, she would either come by briefly for Christmas or tell us she had other plans. Once she flew out on Christmas Day. There could have been a completely reasonable explanation as to why it had to be that day, however my easily hurt emotions felt like she was sending a message that was telling us, “You aren’t all that important”.

At first, I would argue/urge her to come for the family get-togethers. I wanted…needed… all my in-town kids home for the holiday for me to feel complete. Gradually though, I had to accept and be content with the family gathering, no matter who showed or didn’t show.

Fast forward to a year ago. I thought I handled it well. I didn’t argue with her when she said she would be gone for the holidays; I accepted that she would be gone. One odd thing happened though a few days later and I wonder if that started the estrangement. My husband ran into her in a public shopping area a few days later. He had been at a client site for our business and was walking back to his car when he happened to see her. He called out to her, and they talked a moment. She pointed out her boyfriend. My husband asked to meet him as we had not met him yet. She introduced them, they all chatted a few moments and then my husband went back to our business.

From that moment on, there has been radio silence on her end. There was no fight either with me or with my husband. Is my daughter upset that my husband wanted to meet her boyfriend? Did we accidentally catch her in an untruth when she said she would be gone for the holidays? Is she mad at us rather than embarrassed? Or is it something else?

I have racked my brain for most of the past year. I texted for months after that encounter with no answer. I finally called her and found the phone number was no longer in use…or maybe it’s just that I am blocked. I’m unsure how to tell the difference.

My youngest son has been in contact with her, and I believe that she has been in some contact with my niece, her cousin. That tells me she is all right, so I take some comfort in that. It’s just me (and my husband) she doesn’t want to be in contact with. All I got from my son is that she is upset with us but have no details.

At some point she apparently moved to the other side of the country. I tried sending some friendly emails; I thought even if she didn’t want to talk maybe it would help if she knew I still cared.

I got a message from her through my youngest son telling me to stop contacting her. I have to say that felt like being punched in the gut. So much for my warm and fuzzy notions of letting her know I was there for her.

At one time, I would have internalized that I must be an awful person…or somehow a failure… for her to stop contact. I did that with her older sister when she was going sideways of the law. I thought that if I had just tried hard enough, just loved her harder, more completely, that I could have fixed things. Of course, I was never able to fix things; what was going on was completely out of my control.

That isn’t to say that I am not flawed. Of course I am. I, along with everyone else on this earth, fall short of who I want to be. I’m sure I let my daughter down through the years in some way; we are very different personalities. I’m introverted and would rather write or read than spend time with large groups of people. She is a classic extrovert and thrives on going out and being with people. She is beautiful and was born “cool”; I was never part of any “in crowd” even when younger and am pretty sure I never turned the head of anyone…except my husband of course (smiley face).

publicdomain – bake mom_daughter

In my dreams, my daughter adores me and we are great friends. We bake Thanksgiving pies together, we go to lunch, we confide hopes and dreams. Am I selfish because I wanted to recreate the closeness that I had with my mom and have now with my sisters? In reality, perhaps our differences are too great. We could still be friends on some level though; we could work at bridging the gap of our personalities.

There is a hole in my heart that the estrangement has caused, yet I am determined that it will not define me. I am in the last third of my life and it is up to me to live each day the best I can. I can’t say, “I will be happy when my daughter speaks to me” any more than I could say years ago, “I will be happy when my older daughter stops stealing” because I can’t control that. I can’t stop my life, waiting for someone else to change their behavior.

I have things I still want to accomplish in my life. I still want to rewrite my book and publish it someday. I want to travel. I want to garden, even if I do have a black thumb. I want to spend time with family and grandchildren and friends. I will keep going…hopefully in relationship with my younger daughter…but if not, then I will keep going anyway.