My younger daughter had a birthday a little more than a week ago and we celebrated with her at a favorite restaurant.  This may not sound exciting but compared to a year ago when she would not let us do anything with her on her 21st birthday, this is huge.

We have improved our relationship over this past year and ironically, it took blocking her from my phone contacts for 6 months to first set a new boundary with her and then start forging a new relationship.  I realize in retrospect that I had been following her around like a golden retriever, tongue lolling out in a grin, tail wagging, hoping that if I followed her long enough, I would get petted.  Instead, I got kicked; over and over again.  Metaphorically of course, by texts whenever I didn’t do exactly what she wanted.

Finally, one day, I had enough.  I stopped feeling false “adoptive mom” guilt for somehow not measuring up to what she wanted and I reached the end of putting up with the texts that were targeted at my “not being a good enough mom” anxieties.  I blocked her; probably two years too late but better late than never.

Interestingly, taking control over my phone messages is what turned what had become a pretty dysfunctional relationship into something better.  I can say now that I believe that we are gradually forging a friendship.  Will she ever adore the ground I walk on?  No.  Can we develop a warm supportive friendship?  Yes, I believe we can.  So…that is why being able to celebrate with her at a restaurant; with her two in-town brothers, we parents and her…that was special.  She even agreed to a family picture (l am known in the family to always want to capture pictures of all special occasions).

On another positive note, we have seen signs of our younger, rather wild daughter, beginning to take stock of her life and the direction she wants to take it.  She is talking now of going back to college and she is the kind of personality that if she sets that as “her” goal (as opposed to “our” goal), she will absolutely go for it.  The lure of the instant gratification of the “partying with friends” has clearly lost some of its luster and the “more boring, studious college life” scenario is becoming more appealing with its promise of a better future.

To my younger daughter: Happy 22nd Birthday!  You are starting to find the true north on your life’s compass; your Dad and I have every expectation that you will achieve your goals.  We love you and will be cheering for you as you figure out what you want to do in life.