I woke this morning filled with anxiety…which is a prevalent state for me these days.  I went downstairs to find the crock-pot (which I had carefully set up last night), had finished cooking the beef.  Great…I’m so “on top of things”!  I took off the lid.  Along with the meat, the crock-pot had also “cooked” the plastic liner that lined the bottom of the meat package, saturating the entire contents with lovely toxic chemicals of “who knows what”.  Not so great.  Ok, deep breath…I will have to go back to the store to get more.  I started preparing breakfast then realized that the laundry load my husband put in had stopped.  I started pulling out clothes to put into the dryer.  I pulled out a lime green hiking shirt of my husband’s…my favorite shirt of his, which I had given him at Christmas to replace a shirt the same color which had become stained.  I accidentally touched the shirt to an oily rag that had Old English furniture polish on it.  Shirt instantly ruined.  I’m heartsick.  While I was frantically pretreating the stain and throwing it back into the washer to get the stain out (it didn’t come out), I slightly burned the eggs on the stove.

The result of all of that was me in tears over a breakfast of cold, very-well-done eggs and my husband reminding me that none of the above actually has any eternal value.  That evolved into a discussion over what is really important in life as well as distinguishing the difference between “Areas of Concern” (my young adult kids, stressful projects at work) and “Areas of Influence” (my actions, my thoughts, the things I actually can control).

What I really want to do is control every aspect of my life…and the lives of my family members…because then I don’t have to worry, but of course I can’t control the others.  In days past when my kids were young, I could protect them as the mother gorilla is doing with her baby.  Not anymore.

If my daughter wants to keep overspending, she is going to keep overspending regardless of the advice I give her.  If my son wants to keep eating gluten even though I tell him I think he would feel better if he cut it out (he thinks only dairy, which he has given up, was the culprit), he is going to.

Alas, I can only control myself.  I can give up gluten (I have and I do feel better).  I can make sure that I keep my own spending in control (books don’t count), I can take my vitamins and supplements that help me be the healthiest person I can be, and I can choose to exercise.  All in my control; but what about my other worries?

What am I to do?  My daughter is leading a stressed-out, overdrive life and periodically crashes emotionally then talks of suicide.  She already tried once, the threat is real.  The anti-depressant that the psychiatrist put her on (we made her go), seemed to trigger this last episode of threatening suicide so now she is off it.

Her nutrition is awful and I’m sure is contributing to the depression.  From a lot of (I admit, a bit obsessive on my part) reading on the subject of epigenetics, I think her choice to go on birth control a few years ago has started a bio-chemical domino effect towards this depression/suicide ideation.  If what I have read is true within her (birth control estrogen causing copper toxicity which she may be unable to process), she will only get worse and the day could come when I will have to call 911 and have her hospitalized again.  We are still paying off her bills from her suicide try last Fall.  Life is not just about money but when I call, that phone call is going to cost $6,500 as that is the out-of-pocket per family member on our health insurance.

I have suggested to my daughter that a naturopathic route might be a better option for her.  She said no.  My husband says that is where I have to back off now, I cannot make her make healthy decisions.  What I am left with is letting go of my anxiety over her choices that I can’t control.  The point may come where she listens but that isn’t the present time.

I can choose not to dwell in anxiety?  Hmmm.  A theologian thought of that many years ago and wrote about it.

The Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971).

Now if I can only internalize this prayer…