The photo above, taken by Children’s photographer Anna Bricova, beautifully captures the precious innocence of a newborn baby and the delightful pink gauzy anticipation first time parents have of looking ahead to raising their new daughter, whether through birth or by adoption. I remember gazing in wonder at my 4 month old daughter as my mom and I flew home from Korea with her. She slept much of the way in a tiny bassinet at my feet and I dreamed of all the years of joy we had ahead of us, mother and daughter… talking, laughing, sharing life.

My dreams were iridescent bubbles that were beautiful and airy and fleeting. By my daughter’s teenage years we were fighting for my daughter’s future through counseling, therapy, and residential treatment. By her high school graduation, I had gradually come to understand that I had to accept that as hard as we had fought as a family to change our daughter’s path, the time had come to stop fighting. I still believe in miracles, I still believe in God. For right now though, my daughter is a pathological liar, sexually promiscuous, gets her “high” from stealing and has hurt untold numbers of people through her charming, seemingly vulnerable yet highly manipulative behavior.

And yet…in the worst of circumstances, I am learning that I can find joy. When we found out 8 weeks before delivery that my daughter was going to have a baby girl out of wedlock, I was horrified that one of our kids would behave in this way. I kept saying to myself that it was not the baby’s fault that she came into the world that way and then of course when I saw her and held her, I could not help but love her. When 7 weeks later, my daughter abandoned her with the young man and skipped out of state, I left the business one afternoon a week to spend time with my granddaughter so that she would grow up knowing me (also once a month at our house so my husband could spend time with her).  Still, it was probably a year before I could bring myself to tell even long-time friends about my granddaughter as it would also mean talking about the circumstances.

Now, there is another granddaughter who is half-sister to the first granddaughter and 14 months younger. I suspected that my daughter could be pregnant last August when she came to visit. https://bitter2better.com/2014/08/are-you-borrowing-trouble-from-the-future/I asked her point blank, she said no. I tried to find out through a college ministry that I knew she was involved in but to no avail. I asked my daughter again, point blank through a text. Again, the answer was no. I gave up. Fast forward a year to my daughter calling me and telling me that, “By the way, I had a baby girl born at the end of January this year.” I have since then verified the facts through a third party and am now once again faced with conflicting emotions, the strongest of which is hurt. I have adored her first daughter who knows me and calls me “Nana”. My emotions say, “I loved the first baby. Every week I have been there for her. By golly, I deserved to know about a second baby.” Then reality answers, “Your daughter has never told you about any life changing event like a theft or a baby so why are you expecting something different now?”

I have cycled through the hurt, then the anger and now am back at acceptance. I’m getting a lot of practice at that. There is another baby girl out there in another state who is my second granddaughter. She has been adopted now and according to the laws of that state, when my daughter went before the judge, she relinquished all rights. I have no legal right to know even who the young couple is who adopted the baby. I do know who the adoption lawyer was and have reached out though as of yet have had no reply…hoping he is just busy rather than ignoring me.

I mentioned earlier about learning to find joy. It’s wonderful that my daughter choose a young couple that shares the same faith we do and will raise her in that environment. It’s wonderful that my young granddaughter is legally safe with this couple forevermore and will know love and support as she grows up instead of the instability that my daughter’s behaviors would have provided. I hope one day that I can hold her. I hope one day that she knows that though her birth mother gave her up, the extended family knows about her, loves her and is cheering for her.

I can still have joy that there is a precious baby girl out there whose loving adoptive parents have pink gauzy expectations of wonderful years ahead with their little girl. I am happy for them…even though I can feel hot tears running down my cheeks as I write this. Even though this baby is the adopted baby of my adopted daughter thus without any legal tie or DNA tie, she will nonetheless always have a corner of my heart.