The picture above touches my heart. The mother is loving and protective, the baby contented and trusting. I held my daughter at this age with the same wonder and delight. I saw a bright future: a happy little girl, a teen, a college student, a young woman, a bride in a white gown. The thought of seeing a mug shot of her someday on the internet with booking data for 3 felony counts… the furthest image possible from my mind.

Fast forward 20 years. The reality is here whether or not I am ready. I am a mix of emotions…anger, sadness, acceptance, even some relief. I have some anger that our family name is now linked on the internet to her criminal conduct. I’m concerned that in some way, having a family member who is in the court system could harm one of my other kids.

I’m sad that the younger siblings …who do not know yet…will yet again have one more burden to carry emotionally. A year ago at this time, they were adjusting to the fact that their sister was about to have a baby out of wedlock. Shortly after that, they adjusted to the fact that my daughter abandoned the baby with the birth father. Now they will have this to adjust to. I know they will act as though the news will not bother them but I am sure it will.

My second oldest son who is very “black and white” in his thinking will once again tell us to cut her off from further contact but he lacks enough life experience to understand that although we do have high boundaries with her, we will always be her parents. My oldest son’s nonverbal actions say much the same thing.

I emotionally accept that my daughter either could not or would not change her patterns of stealing. She has chosen the adrenaline or dopamine high she gets from her wrong doing over everything that should be most dear to her…her family, her friends and her values.

And yet…as I gaze at my daughter’s booking photo on the internet, I see a confused, distressed, probably weepy girl with a yellow ribbon headband, looking younger than her 20 years. She looks bewildered and lost as if she is unable to understand why she is being booked. My heart goes out to her and once again I want to gather her protectively in my arms as the mother is doing with her baby in the photo.

I have to remind myself that years of theft victims have offered mercy, hoping that she would turn to an honest life. If mercy could have changed her, it would have.

Facing charges may be the thing that ultimately moves her off a criminal path. I asked myself today while working outside in the yard…if an extremely painful surgery was the only option for my daughter to save her life, would I not unhesitatingly agree to it? If prison at 20 is what it takes to get her attention, is the experience worth the pain? Yes, I believe it is.