I recently picked up a dear friend’s daughter at the airport and took her to the University where she has started school this Fall. I have known her since she was 3 years old. She is a wonderful combination of attractive looks tempered with fun yet modest dress, a lively curiosity and genuine love of learning. An articulate speaker, she is balanced by a thoughtful, reflective view of her goals in life. She starts college as a freshman, however because she took college classes before graduating, she has almost two years of college completed. On top of all of that, she is a National Merit Finalist and so this University threw scholarship money at her to incent her to attend.

My niece, my sister and brother-in-law’s only child, got straight A’s in a gifted program through grade school and at one point, scored the highest standardized verbal score in the elementary school’s history. As a child, she didn’t like to get into trouble so was self-correcting in her actions. She is currently a high school student who sings opera, is in musical theater and has published several superb theater reviews in local publications. As talented as she is, she is well grounded emotionally and kind. Once in a while, according to my sister, she is (gasp) grumpy in the morning because she gets up extremely early for her “zero hour, before school” class. I still think she is darling.

At one time, my paradigm as a “perfect parent” was that all of my kids would exhibit some form of the above descriptions. What I have come to realize is that if I judge myself as a parent on the basis of this paradigm, I am the one who has constructed a “cruel illusion” of parenting success.

I know now that the above are ONLY TWO POSSIBILITIES. There are an infinite number of possible life scenarios that kids can choose and all of them…as long as they are legal… are equally viable. Most of my kids have chosen a non-standard path through school and through life. I remind myself that I am a successful parent if I cheer them on and spend my energy applauding each in their unique “bents” in life even if they are on different paths than I would have chosen.

My oldest son started college with one major and like many other kids, found that the classes for that major were less than enthralling. He wisely stopped for a few years and figured out what his career passion was. He is now back in school finishing up a degree in law enforcement, intensely focused, loving the learning and excelling in his classes. His dad and I have loved watching him single mindedly pursue his passion in life.

Another son got his GED at 16 so that he could go to a community college and take computer programming classes he was more interested in. He is halfway through a 4 year degree and is taking a hiatus as he decides whether he actually needs a degree or is better off working on a portfolio. He works in production in our business right now and I love seeing him every day. He is a hard worker and he will figure out the best route for him.

My youngest son is finishing high school. Though bright, he is uninterested in doing anything more than just “getting through” high school as he views the school requirements as an impediment to what he really wants to do in life. He is gifted in improvisational comedy, is passionate about making videos, and is determined to learn on his own and in his own way, without college (at least for now). At one time, I would have been completely “freaked out” by his lack of interest in college but realize now that he needs and also deserves the freedom to figure out his own way in life.

My younger (adopted Chinese) daughter is just as independent as her brothers though of course with her own interests. She is currently as intensely focused on going to the local University next year as her brother is in avoiding it. She is creative and highly social and is interested in something in the business/marketing/communications arena. I tell her half teasingly that she is going to college for the social life however I have every expectation that she will thrive not only in college but later in the business world.

Then there is my older daughter, adopted from Korea. She pathologically lies, manipulates and cons. She compulsively steals, had a baby out of wedlock last year, abandoned the baby and now may be pregnant again. For many years I felt that I was a failure as a parent because she continually made terrible life choices. I have stopped carrying that load of guilt. I can only control my actions and she must control hers.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Most of us try, we do the best we can to impart values to our kids and then we have to let them fly off on their own, cheering them all the way.

I think babies should come with a placard that says “Remember, this baby is unique and is his/her own person, not to be confused with a clone of what you are or wish you were.”