Why write a blog about moving from Bitter to Better? Why admit online that I have been bitter?

The idea for this blog slowly developed over this past year. Beginning last summer, a realization slowly dawned on my consciousness like the first almost imperceptible rays of a sunrise lightening a nighttime sky. I realized that ever so gradually over many years of fighting for my daughter’s mental and behavioral health (see “My Story”), I had allowed emotional pain to turn me into someone who was inwardly bitter.

I covered it up most of the time, or at least I thought I did. I did outside sales for our company and I could talk and joke with a seemingly light disposition with my clients. I would leave the client though, get back in the car and brood…and think …and brood some more as if somehow by thinking enough, I could “fix” my daughter and relieve the anguish of never knowing what she would do next. I never fooled my sisters though. I used to call them to vent at the latest behaviors of my daughter. During one phone call, my twin told me flatly that I had become bitter. Nothing like having a family member tell you the truth about yourself!

Two incidents late last year shocked me into seeing myself as I had become. We live in a city with a fairly large population of homeless and they are often seen on street corners. The homeless have always touched my heart and through the years I have stopped and given food, water or cash as I was able or at least prayed for them as I drove by. In this particular incident, I had finished buying some groceries and was beginning to drive home when I caught sight of a young man at the end of the parking lot holding a cardboard sign asking for donations. I don’t remember the wording but my impression was that he was asking for help for his family, a few weeks before Christmas. I thought, “You think you have problems!” turned my head away and drove home. As I drove, I realized with achingly acute clarity that during the years of trying to stop my heart from hurting, I had hardened it. I never saw the young man with the sign again but I will never forget him.

A few weeks later I saw my sister and filled her in on the latest developments with my daughter. I was upset with what my daughter had done and more than that, I was raging at life. I told her that though I would not “do away” with myself on purpose, if I died in a car accident while driving around on sales calls, I would be OK with that. I saw the shocked look on her face and realized how warped my thinking had become.

Shortly after that second incident, I decided to play a game with myself. Every day I determined to do something to make the world “better”, no matter how small a thing it was. Some days the only “Better” I had the energy for was to grit my teeth and choose to pick up and put away a household item instead of stepping over it. One day I saw a young mom on a street corner with a sign asking for money to help her kids…I stopped, gave her some cash and said that I was a mom too. I remember feeling a glow from having helped in a small way and realized (I’m a little slow) that if I couldn’t help my daughter, I could still help others. Another day I made a point of saying something encouraging to one of my kids. Some days I focused inside my family and some days my “Better” was towards strangers. After a week or two, I discovered something…by focusing outward instead of inward, somehow the debilitating emotional pain felt less. And…small miracle…my heart was starting to feel again: empathy for others and tiny flickers of the joy of life.

Back to “Why the Blog”. Through the last 6 months there has been a recurring question deep in my soul which I believe God has been asking. The question has been, “For the remainder of my years on earth, is there something better that I can do with the emotional pain than be bitter?” Over and over in my mind that gentle question has been revolving in my mind until on a deep emotional level I have come to realize that the answer is to choose to move from “Bitter to Better”.

I’m pretty sure there are other parents like me who are in emotional pain over their child’s dysfunction. To myself and to all of you who are stuck in bitterness, I want to say, “Hurting heart? Look outward. Keep eyes and heart focused on making the world around you Better. One act a day: one act of service, one encouraging word to a stranger, a smile for your family. I invite you to journey with me towards Better.