I have a soft spot in my heart for English cottages with country gardens. No matter that I live in a different country. In my mind’s eye, I see myself as retired in the “cutest cottage ever”, pottering around in a verdant garden filled with a riotous display of colorful flowering plants, somehow growing together as a visually stunning artistic display under my caring hand. No matter that I have a black thumb. My husband waters my few indoor plants which would otherwise perish due to neglect or intermittent over enthusiastic watering.

I could start gardening now in the home that I live in even though we plan to downsize in the next half dozen years. I could start small with a few flowering pots. I don’t have to go out today and start a huge garden. I have such an “all or nothing” mentality. Why not start now?

The pull between “Why Not Now” and “Someday” has been reverberating throughout my mind recently. As I look back over the decades, I wonder if I have been swept along in the events of life without asking “Why Not Now?” enough. Did I do enough with my life? Is there time to do more in this last third of my life? The “Someday” options seem to lessen with each passing decade.

When I entered the decade of my thirties, my first baby was 12 weeks old and I was satisfied with where I was. I had finished college and my first job out of college as an Army lieutenant had been fulfilling. I was a new mom. Of course I was growing older. It all made sense. As I went further into that decade of life, it still made sense; in fact I loved all of the years that comprised my thirties. We welcomed three more children in my thirties. I graduated with my MBA which psychologically was huge for me. As I looked around at peers who were in the work force, I knew that I could be there too but chose to be home with the kids in this phase of my life. My body still worked well; creakiness was down the road of life still.

I remember I hit forty just days after moving to another state to be closer to extended family. I wasn’t wild about turning forty which I currently find laughable as it looks quite young from my vantage point now. At the time though, I wasn’t sure what I thought of it all. Am I young still or middle aged…the later I suspected though didn’t want to admit it. I did slightly take action on my “Why Not Now” question in my early forties. We had brought our fifth and last child into our family at age forty with the adoption of another girl.  The event eventually led to me write my first book detailing the adoption stories of that daughter as well as an older daughter. I confess that was five years of thinking about writing the book before I got out of “Someday” limbo. Upon completion of the book, I fell straight back into “Someday” limbo. Someday I will self-publish it. I’m still waiting for me to take action on that.

If turning forty made me slightly grumpy, turning fifty was even more of a mental challenge. What in the world was I doing in my fifties? I couldn’t be that old, could I? That decade ended up being a whirlwind of busyness. I had some serious surgeries at fifty. We started a business at fifty. Though I had thought I was busy as a stay-at-home mom, that period of my life took the reality of sleep and time deficits to a new level. In that fifth decade, I finished raising the youngest kids, grew a rewarding but increasingly stressful business and became a Nana. I rarely had time to think about “Why Not Now” and if I did so fleetingly, had no energy to do anything about it.

It was when I was about a year out from my sixtieth birthday that I really started to question my life. What Now? I am not young; I am not even middle aged. Is this all there is to my life or is there more? Do I dare to dream of more? With the encouragement of a friend, it was then that I actually started to write a novel instead of just thinking about it. In my naivete, I thought I would finish the novel and then somehow just go straight into publishing it. When that didn’t happen, I was stumped and set it aside until I could figure out how to fix it. Without meaning to, I let “someday” take over again and the hiatus on fixing it turned into two years.

Now, I am coming up on another birthday and will soon officially be in my mid-sixties. The business has been sold for a year now. I have more free time to ask and answer my life questions. What now? Why not now? I finally picked up the novel and metaphorically tore it apart; I have written another outline for it. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t even have to be good. The point is that I put “Why Not Now” into action. Maybe this one will work though probably I will be writing and rewriting for some time to come. I’m OK with that.

Maybe the answer to “Why Not Now?” is more of a daily focus on the next steps in life rather than a drastic change. Maybe my daily answer is to try a little each day. Each blog I write is a step forward. The outline for the novel is a step forward. Walking each morning is a step forward.  If all I can do is just a little forward progress each week then I’m still going forward. I need to give myself grace. I’m still dealing with off and on bouts of mysterious fatigue so if all I can do is a little progress each week, it’s OK.