We lost two elderly relatives this past summer. They were both in the last half of their nineties so maybe we would have lost them anyway, however I believe they died from lack of connection during this COVID environment. Neither of them had COVID, however I believe they were still indirect casualties of COVID.

My husband’s relative was in an assisted living apartment. There was nothing overtly wrong with her health however between March and June when she died, she had lost her daily contact with other residents in the dining hall. The staff brought food to her apartment each day. Over time, she lost some of her appetite for food and I think her appetite for living. When she fell, it was likely all night before she was found. Pneumonia set in and I just don’t think she had energy to fight it.

If she had gone straight back to her apartment, she would have been isolated again. Though she was by nature, happy with her books and her music and did not need a large number of people in her life, I think she still felt the total isolation. We lost her in June. I’m so glad that at least I was with her when she passed but I wish she had not been so alone prior to her passing.

When my aunt passed away six weeks ago, she had been isolated to her room at a nursing facility.  I suspect she was mostly confined to her bed as she was wheelchair bound and the staff would have been overwhelmed by extra work and increasing COVID cases. With blindness, she would have felt even more isolated. Did her dementia get worse because she was cared for but without visitors or would it have gotten worse anyway? She used to enjoy music sessions in the activity room but of course, shared activities were the first to go when the COVID threat came. As with my husband’s relative, I’m glad she died peacefully but I am sad that she passed away without a relative with her.

The staff at both locations did their best to provide a safe atmosphere; it’s just that when safety took priority, connection was lost. When COVID finally releases its grip on the world and we start looking at statistics, there is going to be an abnormal spike in the number of non-COVID deaths among the elderly, whether they were in a skilled nursing facility or not. People need love. They need connection and hugs and a reason to get up in the morning. That’s another facet that makes up the tragedy of this pandemic.

For our elderly relatives that we still have, I have become convinced that it’s worth the risk to visit them, to hold their hand, and talk with them and hug them. They need that connection. We need them.