Years ago, after my youngest son was born and while still in the hospital, I visited my friend in the same maternity ward who had delivered a baby girl the day after me. I was happy for her that the delivery was straightforward and the baby was as healthy as could be.

Several years earlier, my friend had delivered a baby boy who was born with a rare, fatal condition that caused the baby to die about 6 months after birth. My friend watched helplessly and grief-stricken during those six months, knowing that she would lose her precious boy and knowing that there was nothing she or medical help could do.

We moved out of state when our babies were 18 months old and the family came out to visit us about a year later. We had great fun watching our two year olds play with each other and catching up with each other’s lives during the past year. I noticed something in the way my friend parented the little girl that I have always remembered. My friend watched every movement that little girl made and almost literally walked behind her with her hands out to catch her in case she fell. I could easily see that the trauma of helplessly losing her baby boy years earlier was causing her to obsessively protect her daughter way beyond what was healthy. My friend was having trouble letting her energetic little girl be a normal, active two year old. My friend was unable to see what she was doing and I said nothing, hoping that in time she would relax and let the girl be a little freer to play without worry of harm. We lost touch over the years and that girl is now 17 years old. I hope my friend has been able to process through her fear of harm and relax.

I understand my friend’s fear. I caught myself being fearful over my 17 year old son this weekend. For a little while, I emotionally overreacted in fear over something he innocently did.

I so much want to protect my youngest two kids that are still at home that sometimes it is all I can do to just grit my teeth and do the best I can to let go of the fear. Because my older daughter made so many awful choices and her behaviors were so dysfunctional, I have an over developed sense of fear for my younger two kids. I was unable to stop my older daughter so by golly I’m going to put boundaries around my youngest two kids so high it will take a pole vault to get over them. Then I have to lecture myself and say, “Stop. It’s just the fear talking. Let them be free to make good decisions.”

Both my 17 year old son and 18 year old daughter are independent. They also have a high need to make their own decisions which means I need to trust them to fly free. If I give them reasonable space and trust them to make good internal decisions, they will…and they have. If I mandate through my fear of what my older daughter did, then I am externally trying to force them into actions that should come from their internal choices. My emotions want to go behind them like my friend did, hovering close by to make sure no harm comes to them…but that is unfair to them and also unwise. If I do, my kids will be focused on getting free of my restraints. If I give them reasonable space, they will self-regulate.

I almost forgot that this weekend. I heard my son when he came in Friday night after working at the theater. It felt much later than it should have been so Saturday morning I awoke worrying over all of the awful scenarios that he could have been involved in. Fortunately, I had a chance to talk with him about noon…turns out he went with some coworkers to I Hop to get something to eat after work. Just hungry kids having some fun.

Note to self…lighten up and keep a lid on the emotions. I’m working on it.